Wednesday, July 15, 2009

The Waiting Game

Yes, yes, yes, Igor actually decided to pick up his pantaloons, dust off his v-neck sweater, jump into his VW Rabbit, and finally do the manly thing. He asked Laura out!!! I will pause for a moment here as you all asphyxiate from the shock. It was like watching the ugly kid in high school, the one that could never manage to get a date no matter how hard he tried, the one that would keep buying the popular girls lunch or other token gifts with the little money he had - just to win them over. Of course, the acts never spawned fruitful returns, but courage is the first step.

This is where we begin with Igor's current state of affairs. Laura, her excellency of darkness and workaholicism, Leader of the Democratic Socialist Republic of Sue, and nanotechnology engineer - decided to throw Igor into another state of purgatory. In case you haven't noticed by now, Laura wakes up in the morning for the fresh dewey scent of thermodynamics and is excited by doing the perfect calculus assignment one week ahead of anyone else. This makes Igor's scenario particularly difficult and maybe a little above his experience. To put it simply, Laura claims she's just too busy whenever Igor hazards an opportunity for the two of them to spend time outside of school. However, its not a transparent "no", its postponing for a later date - perhaps when her ovaries dry out or when Igor becomes cool, we simply don't know. Well, that was a little harsh, but we can suddenly see into Igor's conundrum a little bit better.

All of that said, the little whippersnapper hasn't quite given up yet. No, he's concocting a plan right now to win her over and perhaps get what he so desires. I recommend that you help Igor with his plans and shenanigans where ever possible because this could be the push that the young lad needs. Someone needs to show him that V-necks aren't cool and that even the most rigid of girls can be wooed into seduction with the right words and actions. As annoying as he is, the kid is trying his best. And that's more than can be said for the Alvins and Matts of the world who ridicule him everyday while never deviating from their Friday nights of chronic masturbation and homework. Even myself, a harsh critic of Igorism needs to step back and acknowledge when the kid may actually be close to becoming a human being.

With that, I open the floor for general discussion on this situation and any comments at all.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

The Asian Female Quasi Purgatory State

First off, let me apologize for taking so long to write this post. I actually have been successful in avoiding Igor over the last few weeks. Consequently, there has been very little Igor material to write about. However, we have a bit of a situation to write about now, finally. Let me start off with a primer though:

A lot of asian guys in UW have a bit of a purgatory syndrome. When playing the mating game, they first identify with what they want. In Igor's case, any girl that actually talks to him and can listen to his voice for more than 15 minutes. After identification, the parasitic worm (I'll call him Igor from now on for consistency) latches on to the host for as close to 24 hours/day as possible. This latching or "bonding" will come at any cost, whether it be making dinner, getting dinner, cleaning, doing homework, teaching course material, shopping, make up application, seeing who has a bigger vagina or anything else for that matter. This "purgatory" state continues until it is determined that guy has become a big brother, a bitch, or in very rare cases - actually succeeds at dating the girl. BUT, we know this, we have gone over this over and over again. By now, you're probably thinking that I'm repeating myself.

No no, that was simply a prerequisite for something new that Igor has created. Igor, the innovator that he is, found a state in between the purgatory state and the looking from a distance (stalking) state. I present to you, the Quasi Purgatory State!

Igor has "officially" given up on Emma, but his passion for the princess of darkness, Laura remains alive and well. For those of you that don't know Laura, she's kind of intimidating and a tad cynical. For a v-neck touting guy like Igor, its enough for his penis to shrivel up and invert. However, Igor still longs for her. He wants everything about her from her overachieving academics to her generously sized nasal passage. Due to his fear and overwhelming shyness, he hasn't been able to get into the purgatory state.

Thus, Igor emulates the purgatory state by sitting next to her in class everyday and simulating his submission and servant like status. Mind you, its not quite directly next to her, he still hasn't been able to break down the force fields of Sue, the friend that never lets go. So, Igor, next to Sue, tries to transport his slave-like tendencies within the confines of a classroom for 3 hours a day.

He laughs at her cynical and dry humor, he complements her intelligence repeatedly, he throws in a flirtatious comment once every 10 days in just to mix it up, and finally, he attempts to show knowledge in her interests. The latter is the most interesting. He claims to be a gifted and highly talented musician while also being a gourmet chef (anyone who has lived with him knows the truth about both cases). Also, once in a while, he shows her his 10 hour a day Engadget reading, hoping to spark some consumer electronic interest in her. I should mention that Igor learns about her interests through the highly sophisticated techniques of Facebook stalking and friend manipulating. And the dance continues...

Igor has assured me that he will indeed work up the courage to ask Laura out at some point. But he also said he would do so last week, here we are, and he still doesn't have her email address, phone number, or any other means of contacting her - other than the 3 hours of class each day. Will Igor ever ask Laura out???