Saturday, May 30, 2009

Weekly Reflection

How do you know Igor? Would you know Igor at all if it was not for his tireless pursuit of Emma? Is Igor defined by his drive to one day possess Emma? What would differentiate Igor from anyone else in a crowd if not for this Emma fiasco? Clearly, one needs to live with this individual to understand the enigma that is his personality.

And thus, the ultimate question, is Igor's lust for Emma a construction of his own - designed to create a reputation and brand for himself? Perhaps to be known? Perhaps to cover an even darker secret? What could be hiding in Igor's closet (besides aviators, a leather jacket, and possibly himself)?


Back in the late 40s, a lot of Eastern Europeans fled to places like Canada to escape the situations in their homes due to the ongoing war and discrimination. These people were referred to as "DP"s within intolerant communities. DP was an abbreviation for a lot of horrible things, but the universally accepted phrase was "displaced person". This is where we begin the discussion of Igor's life today.

Igor is living in a life of displacement. From the British run motherland (until about 10 years ago), to the warm passive climate of the west coast, to the Asian parts of the GTA, finally ending off in UW. He often speaks of better times in each of his previous homes, sadly as if the best has past.

Moving into specifics, Igor really does not really have a place of refuge as of now. A place to reflect, rejuvenate, and of course in UW - study. His home is littered with people that detest his existence, they do their best to deter him from staying in the house. On the other hand, he is simply banned from the libraries on campus because David, his archnemesis, essentially lives in the library for 24 hours a day and has instilled his deep-seated hatred for Igor in all of the library bound colleagues. Igor is also unable to study alone, because its not really studying or working unless somebody sees him do it and sees him succeed.

So, where does that leave Igor? Emma's house! He takes his German built grey chariot towards the castle of his queen. Unfortunately for poor innocent Igor, the princesses in the castle aren't exactly thrilled with his presence. They have little sympathy for the misguided, slurred speaking, and metrosexually styled being with little to no use in matters of academia. Despite these complications, the relentless Igor seeks refuge in the kingdom of Emma. But now, it seems as though the silent have spoken and nobody knows where to send him. What can be done?

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Those In Japanese Glasses Shouldn't Throw Stones

Igor is a lot like the girl from The Magic School Bus. Remember her? The one that starts every sentence with "according to my research..." and then talks about a random irrelevant fact to show that she reads the encyclopedia before bed every night. This is another key aspect of Igor's choice of life: demonstrating intellect by memorizing facts, figures, and specifications about things that nobody with a life would possibly care about:

(Normal Person): Hey, that's a nice looking car!
(Igor): Yeah, I know, totally, it was actually designed by a bunch of asian kids who rebelled from the Nike factory 10 years ago then saved pennies to end up going to an industrial design school and eventually came up with the "flaming crap" design philosophy. It actually utilizes a 2.6L engine that General Motors created in 1993 to avoid the rising prices of oil thanks to OPEC. OPEC is an interesting organization, they were founded by....
(Normal Person): Yeah, that's great, I'm going to go scratch the chalkboard with my fingernails now to drown out your voice.

I think this might be a property of IB people in general, they must demonstrate their academic prowess given any opportunity at all. The unfortunate part is that his academic and life success is highly suspect in the first place. This behaviour spans all fields from technology to the best non-stick pan at Ikea.

This is quite annoying, I think we can all agree on that. But the worst part is that he passes judgement on people when they purchase everyday products without going through the weeks of meticulous research that he has the time for. "OMG, I can get that so much cheaper in Hong Kong", "That's going to be out of date in 3 months", "That brand is for jocks", "Ew, you really bought that?" etc.

Yes, he actually judges your character based on the products you buy! He respects people that have nicer things than him and ridicules people who don't. This is the beginning of the class system in Canada, its epic. But more importantly, its painfully annoying. You can't even buy milk without this kid talking about how he could drive 50km to get it 10 cents cheaper!

You would think that somebody this critical of others would have impeccable style and taste in all aspects of life - you would be wrong. This is the kid that brought the low cut, LILAC coloured v-neck sweater into Canada. He wore it with pride too. A follower has recently informed me that "The color lilac is sometimes associated with lesbianism." (Wikipedia). He also wears sportswear when the most exercise he gets each day is walking to his car and back.

Igor is a character alright. Something REALLY spicy will be up tomorrow, keep checking back.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Perception And Football

Igor is leading a team of semi-decent students in intramural soccer. He probably won't mention that the team is in a beginner league against a bunch of paraplegics and obese girls. Nevertheless, he runs the team because people don't really want to do so.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with this, its actually beneficial to the people on the team. However, we haven't discussed perception yet.

This is what really happened:

They won two games, one was marginal and with external help, lots of talent up front, amazing goaltender, didn't really require a coach. Also, Igor runs like a 5 year old school girl and yells more than he moves.

This is what Emma hears (from the voice of Igor):

"Emma, OMG, I was so amazing. I rallied the troops, gave them an amazing strategy I concocted while doing my hair for 30 minutes each morning that worked. They were nothing without me, I brought leadership, skill, respect, and perseverance to that locker room. I showed them their inner potential and made their dreams into reality. Also, I'm an all-star defender and prevented the game from getting out of hand. I used my amazing slide tackles to stop Jesus from unleashing his sonic boom against the innocent bystanders while using my 1337 hax0r skillz to save a bunch of little girls from a speeding freight train. By the way, what do you think of my v-neck sweater?"

Perception is an important topic covered in MSCI211 and 421, stay in school.

Monday, May 25, 2009

The Dinner Situation

Igor likes to cook - but only when others watch him or he gets browning points with Emma.

Consequently, he stopped cooking and any sort of kitchen maintenance at his own residence. His room is vile and wreaks of dead animals. That said, he often visits Emma and offers to cook for her. He actually attempted this numerous times last week and also volunteered to lend her his car.

This is a recurring pattern in his life. He was short on groceries, but refused to go and purchase more until Emma needed a ride to get her own. He didn't have time to go to the market, until Emma needed to go. etc. etc.

Now, you're probably thinking that he is some kind of stalker - this is simply not true. He is far too shy and subtle to be a real stalker. His limbs and body structure are far too feminine to instill any fear in victims. His voice, far too slurred and annoying to create any terror. No, Igor is simply annoying. Very very annoying. And he spreads his annoying aura to everyone that he interacts with. Quite simply, he is a perpetual thorn in the side. Too insignificant to take action. Too weak to fear. Too hilarious to interrupt.

It should also be noted that Igor takes the title "Mom" when living with the aforementioned girls. However, when living with men (at least the ones that can stand him), he takes the cake for being the dirtiest slob ever. His refinement and stature are only at face value. His actions are only targeted for others to notice. The pattern should be plainly obvious by now, everything is targeted at the brand - the Igor brand. The target market is Emma and her friends. The product is a dud. Unfortunately, the brand also requires a new marketing division. Its almost as if he's a chinese automobile, a Chery or something - wrapped in attempted Lamborghini sheet metal - but in reality, looks like a juiced up Honda Civic.

His existence has caused me to consider grad work in Anthropology. I had no idea people could weave a rich tapestry of lies and perception this strong.

Postulates for Further Posts

Igor is madly in love with a girl in his class. He pursues her with every waking moment of his life. He longs for her and dreams about her. To save her from an embarrassing situation, lets call her Emma. She also lives in a house of girls that happen to loathe him. That said, they have no problem using him and giving him false notions of friendship and companionship (in exchange for him taking the role of bitch).

Igor also has competition, a little less pathetic, but same fundamental goals in life, including Emma, lets call him David.

Igor is madly in love with technology and products that increase his socioeconomic status to others. Its also an obsession, like the pursuit of Emma (who happens to have a boyfriend).

Igor comes from an IB program in high school, and thus, thinks he is the greatest academic mind that you have ever encountered.

Igor also takes far too many extracurricular that he is absolutely mediocre at.

That's all for now. More stories to come.


This blog is dedicated to giving the world a window into living with Igor. Igor is a clinically disturbed individual who has devoted his life to pleasing people that want nothing to do with him. He is an ugly looking individual who also happens to be dead on the inside. However, his MO for living is to put on a face so that everyone respects and adores him.

I chose to live with this individual during the school term - hoping to find some redeeming qualities in him (in actuality, we needed one more person for the house lease). I still believed everyone had SOME good traits. I was proven wrong immediately. Believe it or not, every waking moment causes me to incessantly hate him further.

I never thought somebody who knew so many facts could be so boring.
I never thought somebody who placed so much emphasis on looks could be so hideous.
I never thought somebody who read so much into technology could be so misguided and ignorant of basic understand.
And finally, I never thought anybody could put a continuous effort into getting a girl for 3 years and not give up. But more on this one later, it definitely requires an individual blog post.

In closing, if you ever meet somebody with these qualities, quarantine them from your social circle, don't try to find the inner beauty - for they are already dead.