Tuesday, July 7, 2009

The Asian Female Quasi Purgatory State

First off, let me apologize for taking so long to write this post. I actually have been successful in avoiding Igor over the last few weeks. Consequently, there has been very little Igor material to write about. However, we have a bit of a situation to write about now, finally. Let me start off with a primer though:

A lot of asian guys in UW have a bit of a purgatory syndrome. When playing the mating game, they first identify with what they want. In Igor's case, any girl that actually talks to him and can listen to his voice for more than 15 minutes. After identification, the parasitic worm (I'll call him Igor from now on for consistency) latches on to the host for as close to 24 hours/day as possible. This latching or "bonding" will come at any cost, whether it be making dinner, getting dinner, cleaning, doing homework, teaching course material, shopping, make up application, seeing who has a bigger vagina or anything else for that matter. This "purgatory" state continues until it is determined that guy has become a big brother, a bitch, or in very rare cases - actually succeeds at dating the girl. BUT, we know this, we have gone over this over and over again. By now, you're probably thinking that I'm repeating myself.

No no, that was simply a prerequisite for something new that Igor has created. Igor, the innovator that he is, found a state in between the purgatory state and the looking from a distance (stalking) state. I present to you, the Quasi Purgatory State!

Igor has "officially" given up on Emma, but his passion for the princess of darkness, Laura remains alive and well. For those of you that don't know Laura, she's kind of intimidating and a tad cynical. For a v-neck touting guy like Igor, its enough for his penis to shrivel up and invert. However, Igor still longs for her. He wants everything about her from her overachieving academics to her generously sized nasal passage. Due to his fear and overwhelming shyness, he hasn't been able to get into the purgatory state.

Thus, Igor emulates the purgatory state by sitting next to her in class everyday and simulating his submission and servant like status. Mind you, its not quite directly next to her, he still hasn't been able to break down the force fields of Sue, the friend that never lets go. So, Igor, next to Sue, tries to transport his slave-like tendencies within the confines of a classroom for 3 hours a day.

He laughs at her cynical and dry humor, he complements her intelligence repeatedly, he throws in a flirtatious comment once every 10 days in just to mix it up, and finally, he attempts to show knowledge in her interests. The latter is the most interesting. He claims to be a gifted and highly talented musician while also being a gourmet chef (anyone who has lived with him knows the truth about both cases). Also, once in a while, he shows her his 10 hour a day Engadget reading, hoping to spark some consumer electronic interest in her. I should mention that Igor learns about her interests through the highly sophisticated techniques of Facebook stalking and friend manipulating. And the dance continues...

Igor has assured me that he will indeed work up the courage to ask Laura out at some point. But he also said he would do so last week, here we are, and he still doesn't have her email address, phone number, or any other means of contacting her - other than the 3 hours of class each day. Will Igor ever ask Laura out???


  1. Why does this even matter? Not all guys have the balls to just walk up to a girl and ask them out. Backseat commenting on this issue just seems a tad bit unfair.

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  3. The main issue is that he keeps saying he will. If you don't have the balls, don't go around saying that you do and just make up excuses.