Saturday, August 1, 2009

The Other Laura

Surely, the information has diffused itself. Its in the text messages, the looks of contempt and disapproval, even the whispers across E2 when our hero and v-neck outfitted messiah - Igor arrives at the door. The kid quite bluntly failed with Laura. Not once, but twice. There was almost a third attempt at the pummel horse but the judges could stand no more. The pursuit ended with a whimper rather a bang. It almost worked in opposite to one's intuition though, the whole arrangement made some of us feel pity for young Igor. Clearly, the jedi in training was no master for the Sith Lord of Darkness herself. He was thrown into a battle that he would surely lose - and there was no disappointment.

The outcome was predicted but the aftermath was not. We're used to the Emma style rejection by now, which means never actually being short with the pathetic individual in question (I'm looking at you David, you know you're Igor #2) - rather, extend and drag out a makeshift friendship with the individual and milk the poor bastard's soft side until his genitals invert. No, no, Laura left no room for lingering afterthoughts and sweet discourses. To further reinforce her stand on the matter, she went out of her way to ignore Igor for the coming weeks. This was a sign that all men, pathetic and not, could clearly see. The runway was not clear for landing, nor would it ever accept an actual plane. We could make a couple of harsh puns about not clearing the trees near the landing strip but lets stay classy.

The admirable part of Igor comes from his ability to rebound. I believe there was a song that best represented him from somewhere in the 90s. Tubthumping. If you haven't heard it, Youtube it. The transparency makes it beautiful: he gets knocked down, then he gets up again, but he won't stay up for long. Perhaps he will be a one hit wonder, just like Chumbawumba was with the song, but that would require a success.

On the topic of rebounding, I present to you, the all natural, co-op coworker, engineering, currently with another boyfriend Laura II. Laura II, (I'm going to call her L2 from now) on has been on Igor's hitlist for nearly a year now. No overlap of social circles, a tad antisocial, a tad naive, a tad more in his league, and already sees him as a superior for some strange reason. He even worked with her for 4 months passing his slurping lisping charm onto her at lunch hours. There is absolutely nothing wrong with L2, the problem is that she is happily in a long term relationship right now.

There's always a "but" with Igor's achievements, the poor sap can never seem to get a clear "win" in life without a clause. It would be like me saying, "I'm in love, but she has herpes" or something like that.

How does Igor avoid labelling for his bimbo homewrecking antics? DENIAL. Igor flatly refuses to admit any interest in L2 beyond a strictly platonic relationship. I present my case as follows: Igor has been on at least 5 dates with her. These include movies, dinner, photography sessions, and other relationshipy shenanigans. Igor goes to Markham JUST to visit her (but covers it up by saying he needs a special haircut or something). He also talks to her daily on msn like a religion. He took over 200 pictures of her too.

Now, I'm not one to make too many assumptions about Igor's life beyond factual realm, but how do you think L2's current boyfriend feels about the above? And secondly, do you think Igor would stand a chance against anyone in a fight? Let the interpretations begin.

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