Monday, May 25, 2009

The Dinner Situation

Igor likes to cook - but only when others watch him or he gets browning points with Emma.

Consequently, he stopped cooking and any sort of kitchen maintenance at his own residence. His room is vile and wreaks of dead animals. That said, he often visits Emma and offers to cook for her. He actually attempted this numerous times last week and also volunteered to lend her his car.

This is a recurring pattern in his life. He was short on groceries, but refused to go and purchase more until Emma needed a ride to get her own. He didn't have time to go to the market, until Emma needed to go. etc. etc.

Now, you're probably thinking that he is some kind of stalker - this is simply not true. He is far too shy and subtle to be a real stalker. His limbs and body structure are far too feminine to instill any fear in victims. His voice, far too slurred and annoying to create any terror. No, Igor is simply annoying. Very very annoying. And he spreads his annoying aura to everyone that he interacts with. Quite simply, he is a perpetual thorn in the side. Too insignificant to take action. Too weak to fear. Too hilarious to interrupt.

It should also be noted that Igor takes the title "Mom" when living with the aforementioned girls. However, when living with men (at least the ones that can stand him), he takes the cake for being the dirtiest slob ever. His refinement and stature are only at face value. His actions are only targeted for others to notice. The pattern should be plainly obvious by now, everything is targeted at the brand - the Igor brand. The target market is Emma and her friends. The product is a dud. Unfortunately, the brand also requires a new marketing division. Its almost as if he's a chinese automobile, a Chery or something - wrapped in attempted Lamborghini sheet metal - but in reality, looks like a juiced up Honda Civic.

His existence has caused me to consider grad work in Anthropology. I had no idea people could weave a rich tapestry of lies and perception this strong.


  1. IMO, no matter how much effort is put into re-branding and marketing, a honda civic will never look like a lambo, not this one at least

  2. in a way, igor's desire for emma is much like my desire for a ferrari

    1. i want a ferrari
    2. i KNOW i cant afford a ferrari, not in the past three years, not right now, and not in the near future
    3. even if i get another car, say a random VW rabbit for example, that will not eliminate my desire for a ferrari

    but in reality, my chances of getting my ferrari is higher than igor's chance with emma, becuase i buy the lottery, i have a slight chance of winning the lottery and getting my ferrari, whereas igor and emma is a different story.